Yesterday evening I started bleeding for no reason. Having previous miscarriages this triggered something in me. I felt tears start to burn in my eyes and a vast amount of different emotions flooded my body. I did not completely understand the emotions that I was feeling. It was just irregular bleeding — that was all. I talked myself into believing this was just one of those trigger moments. Irregular bleeding that I was not expecting was just reminding me of my miscarriages, the two babies that I lost.
I went about my day but asked my husband to purchase a pregnancy test on his way home. I thought the visual of a negative pregnancy test would help me process through this trigger moment. That evening, I enjoyed the warm sun and ice cream with my family. During those tough moments that is where I feel most at home: with them.
Through-out the night the bleeding continued and became more aggressive. I pulled out the pregnancy test and to my surprise, it was positive. This was a chemical pregnancy. It was ending before I even knew that it began. For a moment, I shed a few tears, for a moment, I panicked because of my experience with an ectopic pregnancy, and then the shame set in.
I felt embarrassed, obnoxious, stupid. How many miscarriages can one woman have before people just grow tired of you? I have control over this situation. It clearly is not working for me, so we should just stop trying, stop hurting ourselves.
Hilaria Baldwin went public about her own fear that she was having a miscarriage on her public page. She received much support but also much negativity. She was seen as someone who just wanted attention, someone who should have kept her miscarriage to herself until it was over. Someone made the comment that she already had children so her post was offensive. Many comments were made that I will not quote.
It showed me how lonely this place is. How could someone believe speaking about your miscarriage publicly is for attention? How could someone make a comment to a mother losing her baby that was nothing but supportive? That is all we want — support. We want to feel less alone in this place that feels so dark.
Reading those comments only made my own fears come alive in my mind. Maybe they were not just my own fears but how people would actually see me. After all, that’s how they’re seeing her.
This place is lonely. Knowing your body is failing you, feeling like you are failing your family, experiencing another loss, feeling shame and embarrassment — no matter how strong of a woman you are, this is a hard place. I know the truth. I know this is not my fault. But I am still human and my emotions are running wild and I am unable to reel them in.
I want few things as I continue to walk through this season of my life and attention is not one of those things.
I want support. I want love. I want someone to be here with me. This place is far less isolating when you are not alone.
Our normal way of living has become a place where everyone is entitled to their opinions. So most things are said in a negative manner. Whatever happened to the idea that, if you have nothing nice to say don’t saying anything at all? Why do we often judge someone else’s experience and make sure they know our judgment and opinion? What happened to loving your neighbor as yourself?
During such a vulnerable time, there is no room for shame. There is no room for judgment. There is no room for negativity.
Hilaria, I am feeling the weight of your heart during this time. My heart hurts with yours. Thank you for breaking the stigma of miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Thank you for being vulnerable in hopes that you can encourage other women experiencing loss. I hope you feel so loved during this time. You are not obnoxious or annoying. You are not failing. You will get through this and you will have helped so many women. You have helped me take my own advice.
I chose to go on a date tonight with my husband and friends. I chose to not speak about what we were going through. I needed to just be with people. They made me laugh, they reminded me that I can still feel human walking through this. They reminded me that I have loving friendships. They reminded me that I was not alone. They reminded me that, maybe, there’s nothing that a little Mexican food and margaritas can’t fix. They did this all without knowing.
But there is nothing wrong with people knowing and it is nothing that any person should feel ashamed of. We all choose to grieve and heal differently — and that’s okay.
This story originally appeared on Today Community
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