There’s a big old world out there full of endless possibilities, and then, there’s him.
There are childhood fairytales that may come to life if you believe hard enough, magical kingdoms to visit, dreams that run far and wide, and then, there’s him.
There’s every wish you have ever had come true with the snap of your fingers or the blowout of sparkling candles on the most decadent birthday cake, and then, there’s him.
There’s the possibility of a globe that spins seamlessly with no hate, no fear, no pain, and no loss, and then, there’s him.
There’s everything I ever wanted, every story to my name, every publication that says yes, every interview praise I’ve ever received, and then, there’s him.
There’s wealth that is bountiful and could make for a life so much easier than most have ever known, and then, there’s him.
There’s every threat to man that could be eradicated if we were ever so lucky, and then, there’s him.
There’s every other person that could very well be everything he’s not, yet, there’s him.
There are 365 days on a calendar that could offer me every splendid joy that exists but then there’s still him.
And he outweighs it all.
You may wonder who he is. You may not understand how someone can be so other-worldly and life-changing that all of the wonders of this great world become insignificant in comparison.
No, he’s not a superhero, but he might just be my heart’s hero.
The one I write about over and over. The one whose stories are already written inside of me and just pour from soul to keyboard so effortlessly, every-single-time. I don’t write his stories as I said, they’re already written within me. When I sat under the same sky as him at a truck-stop on 77, after sharing zucchini fries and a peanut butter shake with him at Swensons, I finally learned what life was all about. I finally learned why every broken-heart I ever had was worth it. They all led to him. The one who taught me how to gamble. The one who saw Felicia and not Felicia’s weight. The one who taught me that life’s moments could feel better than any magical kingdom or faraway land that turns your hard reality into paradise. The one who showed me that two souls can have inexplicable, unforeseen, and unforced chemistry that is too good for this world. The one who may even be my twin bird, or so I hope. We both like to fly. If I could bottle that chemistry up and let you taste it for just a moment, I would. Everyone deserves to know what it is like unleashed. It is the epitome of living to the absolute fullest. If it all ends tomorrow, I’ll be okay because he repaired my broken wings that were once shedding all around me. I’ll be able to fly just fine and with the same ease I feel when he sits next to me.
See, I didn’t meet him. Something greater than I placed him under my sky that night. A soul as astonishing as he doesn’t float through this life often. It’s a rarity. A wonder. A gem that you want to hold onto so tightly, never allowing it to slip through your hands. There was a time when words exchanged made us go our separate ways. During that time, I always referred to him as my “once in a lifetime.” When the people and ideologies of the world told me to let him go, I ignored it all and I’ve never been more glad that I did something. After all, as Jennifer Lopez once said, “Only you know what is inside of you.” I listened to my soul and I continued to hope and pray we’d sit under that same sky again at that very same truck stop.
I compared everyone after him to him. No one could make the cut. Had I chosen otherwise and given up on my heart’s most honest wish, I would’ve been settling. And now more than ever we have no time to settle.
I knew that I Gambled and I Lost, but a friend told me that she saw an unwritten chapter. I was losing faith, but somehow faith rested easier with her words. I thought to myself, “Maybe she could be right. Maybe, one day, the story in my heart will continue on.” I like to believe God heard me. I prayed him back into my life. Through a lot of aching and waiting, my bird appeared again under that same sky. We repeated that first moment in time and Valentine’s Day of 2020 allowed us to reunite and it was sweeter than any chocolate or flower bundle could have allowed. And I once thought chocolate made my world go round.
That night, I whispered to him, “Still feels the same, doesn’t it?” His quiet self looked at me and nodded his head up and down. Like I once wrote, and like the famous “Shawshank Redemption” uttered before me, “Some birds just can’t be caged.” No, they can’t. But, some birds can also find their way back to each other. My dad always tells me the cliche line, “If you love them, let them go and if they come back to you…” Well, you know how it goes.
And no matter how hard the world is right now, how uncertain the future is, and how easily perspectives can clash and frustrations can trigger (because of unprecedented times), he’s the only one I ever want to go through this life with.
And if I’m lucky enough, I will. We may not have forever, but even if we had just one more moment under that sky, I will have won every gamble I’ve ever made. And if we don’t, I will still have won. Because of him, no gamble is a loss.
Remember, he outweighs it all.