It hurts my heart.
I go into your room when you are sleeping and I see the change. The toys — the rattles are now cars to push, the mobiles are now books to read. The crib — it’s not so bare now, it has your favorite lovey and stuffed animal to hold. The clothes — they’re not so tiny anymore, they are longer and wider and the snaps are gone.
It hurts my heart.
I go into your room when you are sleeping and I touch the change.
Your toes — they are just a tiny bit bigger than they were the night before.
Your hand — it’s reaching out of the crib just a little bit further than it was during your nap earlier in the day.
Your hair — the strands are just a little bit wispier over your face than they were when you woke in the morning.
It hurts my heart.
I go into your room when you are sleeping and I feel the change. I feel you growing with each passing moment and it hurts my heart.
It is a hurt I never knew or could have ever imagined before becoming a mother.
It is a hurt I will never forget and will be forever grateful for now that I am your mother.
Because, you see, sometimes hurt comes when you feel so much love and gratitude for what you want to stay in one present second forever, but you know you can’t.
Sometimes hurt comes when you can’t help but feel two feelings at once and the emotions within you overwhelm you.
Sometimes hurt comes from the change because so much of what has been is so beautiful that we cannot imagine anything greater — and it is hard to let go.
But that’s when I remember: I remember this change is protected with love, memories, and time spent with you.
I remember this hurt is just my heart growing bigger and my love growing deeper with each passing night.
I remember this all is God reminding me of how precious our days and nights together truly are, how he picked me to be the one to go in your room every night, and how he is blessing you and me with this great transcending love — that is, mine for you.
The change comes with hurt, but the hurt comes with love. Never-ending, timeless love I can’t imagine my life without.
This story originally appeared on A Place Within Me
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