A Gambler Shows Me Magic Over And Over And Over Again.

But it is not a trick. He doesn’t even use his cards. There is no great reveal. There is just a feeling of heaven. I call the feeling magic. I call him magic. It never seems to fade. He never seems to fade. I use the two interchangeably: he and magic. He is the magic and the magic is he. He shows it to me over and over and over again. He is Jesse, a gambler, a magical soul.

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Jesse never has to stand in front of me to “present”like those good at magic tricks do. Some present with all the pretty words you want to hear and give you all the things you think you need. Some meet the profile or that checklist that I threw out the window long ago. I don’t fall for lists, I fall for souls. And well now, all I ever want to fall for his magic. Over and over and over again.

See, he’s too raw for all of the “girl meets guy”expectations. He’s too down-to-earth for all of that. And honestly, he’s too special to have to prove anything. His spirit, and the way it makes me feel, proves it all. Over and over and over again. So, no, he didn’t even have to make me believe in that hand that appeared and changed my whole narrative. But I believe anyway. And now, I write a different kind of story. Don’t ask me how I do it. It’s magical. And magic has no logic, no reason, no directions, and no explanation. It just is.

All he has to do is sit next to me, and it is then that magic surrounds me.

Yeah, he’s good with cards. Actually, he’s amazing with cards. He’s been known to win a world series. He’s been known to break the winning streak of another pro and take home the bracelet. You may have even seen him on television. Look up his stats, he’s got his game down. But in my world, I don’t see the glitz and glamor of the pro player, even though I am so incredibly proud of him, he doesn’t even know. I just see Jesse. Yes, to me, he’s just Jesse. The keeper of the magic potion. The one who makes back seats, jeeps, summertime, and truck stops beyond magical. The winner of the other card game that equates all hearts and lives in this heart of mine.
You may be able to relate, or so I hope. I will try to explain.

Remember Brandy’s song, “Have You Ever?” I credit these next few lines to her. Well, have you ever just wanted to know every detail of someone’s life? Not because you’re nosey and not because you’re trying to figure them out, but only because they fascinate you and you want to know everything that has ever made them happy or sad? Have you ever thought about someone more than you have ever thought of anyone else? Have you ever instantly and effortlessly saw life with someone? Have you ever just known, in your heart of hearts, that no one else will do? That you’d rather fly solo if you can’t have that certain someone because no one else in this world will ever or has ever topped the way they make you feel? Have you ever wanted to know every single part of someone because every part of them makes every part of you so insanely happy and content? So much so that it doesn’t even make sense? I have.

During that one date, I just wanted him to tell me story after story of his life as we sat in his parked jeep. With Jesse, I don’t need fine dining and special places, I just need Jesse. So, I sat there, listened intently to each one, remembered them all, and have never been happier. See, I write the stories. I can write about almost anything. Well, not really. I’m not well versed in science, math, history, or politics. But I can write about feeling and perspective. And since the moment I met him, it seems like I only want to write about him and those stories he told me. When you meet someone who wins that game in your heart that people have been trying to play for years, you go so outside of yourself because you’re so in awe of that someone that all else fails. That’s what he does for me.

He didn’t force me to see his magic with romantic gestures as a guise, even though he always shared his zucchini fries and candy with me. I even got sips of his peanut butter shake from Swensons and you know most people don’t share peanut butter anything. Though there was a limit when it came to his favorite sushi roll, but he was willing to buy me my own! He does so much more than share treats. He held me late into the night, for hours, when I was scared. He always told me to text him when I got home safe. He sent me songs that reminded him of us as I was driving home from our first date like “Comfortable” by K Camp, and ever since I’ve been telling him where I want to go with him. Just two birds, with the same Ohio roots and the same free spirit, always ready to fly away.

He paid for all of our dates, even when I offered. He built me up when I doubted myself because of a stupid thing like weight. Side note: he walks the talk. If anyone should have a standard for fitness and physical perfection, it’s he. Yet, he saw something greater in me that didn’t meet such a perfection. Something greater in me that others, who don’t even meet his physical standard, are still blinded to. They are too worried about my exterior not measuring up to the world’s standard of beauty, while he, the one who already measures up, sees me for my soul. He could have any girl he wants. He’s got the looks, the swag, the pro sports title. He’s really got it all. But he saw something in me that forever changed me. When you live most of your life being judged because you struggle with weight, you don’t really find relief with most people. They all have SOMETHING to say. Eat more carrots. Lose weight. Do you like salad? You have a pretty face, but…

But what? With Jesse, there are no “but’s.” He simply sees me for me and never tries to explain to me why I should be someone else. And on a lifelong journey searching for confidence, searching to not be the focus in the room because you carry the extra weight, you wonder if you will ever have your moment of relief.

Then, one night, along came a gambler who gambled because that is what he does. And poof, just like magic, he showed me a whole new world. He even made me feel like I won the world series, too. He showed me confidence, along with the best chemistry I’ve ever had! Major sigh of relief.
Life changes.

Not only did I meet magic that night and beyond, but I also met self-worth.
The insecure girl finally believes that not only can she get “the guy,” she is worth THE SAME as everyone else no matter how many pounds she carries.
Remember earlier, I said he changed my narrative? That I write differently?
Well, that is part of the magic and I do. But I also live differently. I now carry even more weight. The weight of confidence. The weight of inner-strength. The weight of not believing the naysayers. The weight of dignity. And the weight of wholeness without anything else defining my wholeness but for me. Thank you, Jesse.

This takes me back to a moment. One time, I worked with a lady. She was a fabulous lady. But she mistakenly and with no ill-will intended, said to me, “Lose weight and the world is yours.”Funny thing. I didn’t lose the weight, and somehow the world was still mine because with no less weight, I sat under the same sky with Jesse, and somehow, he gave me the world by giving me the confidence I so desperately needed.

I say that he finds my physical imperfectly perfect. But to him, it may just be perfect. It is I who inserts the imperfect in there and when I do, he just tells me, once again, to “be confident.”So girls, don’t ever think you’re out of anyone’s league. The most beautiful people are the ones who see you for who you are and let you know that who you are is perfectly okay, not the ones who wish you were different.

Aside from seeing me for who I really am, just Felicia, he helps me navigate the monsters and mishaps of this life. He hates talking on the phone, but he sat on the phone with me for an hour while I sat in the funeral’s parking lot on the eve of my grandfather’s showing and cried knowing my grandpa was in there. He may not remember, but it was his idea for me to put a story and my dad’s picture in my grandpa’s casket. I never said goodbye to my grandpa, but Jesse told me how to before time ran away. Talk about being someone’s saving grace. Angels always appear when we need them the most. It was also he who told me to call him in the morning if I didn’t have the strength to walk into the funeral home the next day. When the world started becoming a scary place just a few months ago, he sat on the phone with me for seven hours, into the wee hours of the morning.

He’s one of the few who never battles me about my dad being away and understands why I so desperately wish he was here. He never debates me on it; he just knows my heart and offers empathy every time the subject comes up. Sometimes, when you can’t have what you need, THAT right there is all you need. The world doesn’t always get THAT but he does. Thank you, Jesse. What seems to be the minor, forgotten nuances of a human exchange are never forgotten to someone like me. Those little moments are what changes your life. He gives me so many of those little moments. And well, they really are the big moments.

He even showed the stories I wrote about him to his momma. He did all the things a guy does when a guy likes a girl and then a lot more. For the first time in my life, all I need is that very specific feeling I have when he is near, that magic, and nothing more. While all of those beautiful things he does matter, nothing tops the potion in the invisible bottle that bursts so blissfully when he is on his way, when he is calling and when he texts me. If the name “Jesse”pops up in an incoming text or call, any sadness that I have is instantly erased like magic. It’s all about this magic. Jesse is this magic. See the theme?

No amount of sweet gestures, status, or materialism, from man to woman, will ever top how brightly I shine on the inside solely from his being, from his existence, from his magic. Give me a cardboard box. Give me the dollar menu at McDonald’s. Give me a tent in the woods. Give me no money. Give me no guarantees. Give me not tomorrow, just today. But in it all, give me Jesse. And all is right. All is magic, even the cardboard box. Why? Because this one is different. This one is in a league of his own. This one is the only one that shows me heaven can intertwine with Earth, instantly and unexpectedly, and make for the best night of my life — at a truck stop of off Interstate 77 (that was our first date) with nothing but conversation, attraction, and well, magic. Lots and lots of magic. And then, play it over and over again like your favorite old-school 90s song that you just can’t let go of. Because he does it over and over and over again. Because he is the one.

We may never get married. We may never make it past tomorrow. The world is frightening and very uncertain. None of that matters to me. Maybe I’m lying a little. Deep in my heart, I want to be Jesse’s girl, like the song. Not maybe, I do. What really matters to me is that I won the prize of a lifetime already. I got to meet him and I got to experience the one that made my ordinary world collide with miracles. To me, our memories are miracles. They forever shaped me and they forever make me smile. So much so that I play them on repeat like those favorite songs I mentioned earlier. He doesn’t do anything other-worldly that most of us girls search for, yet somehow he does. He doesn’t check off the same checklist that Cinderella’s Prince Charming checked off. He’ll probably never dance with me the way that Beauty danced with the Beast. I’m glad he doesn’t mimic the traditional romance tales. His swag is WAY better. It is that natural swag, too. He doesn’t have to try to be cool or edgy. He just is. And the cool guy in him seems to see the goofball in me. I’ll always want Jennifer Lopez’s swag but it just ain’t in me.

However, he certainly doesn’t act like I am the dainty rose and he is the stronger man, even though he is. He respects me more than anyone ever has. What he did was show me that the most effortless moments in your life are, indeed, the most magical. What he did was show me that no actions will ever create this kind of magic. No card game. No gesture. No check on the list of standards that all you girls need to let go of. I’m not saying don’t have standards, I am saying be open to all the possibilities that the world can show you because in doing so, your eyes may finally meet magic and your life may dance with it. Talk about living.

What Jesse also showed me was that some people just mesh, some people just fit like a glove from the moment they meet. No explanations. No time to prove yourself. Just pure, heaven-sent connection. Again. No game. No strategy. No expectations. Just a magical man who looked at a girl and let her believe in his magic. And now, she’s a girl who will always believe that magic sits at home and not just at a princess’s faraway castle in Disneyland. And now, she’s a girl who will always believe that status doesn’t matter but feel is everything. And now, she’s a girl who will also always believe that settling is no longer a part of her life. Not when she met a gambler that shows her magic over and over and over again. The magic that has forever changed her story.

He won the game.

And somehow, she won, too.