To The Person Who Taught Me The Imperfect Definition of Love.

My dear love,

I thought getting even with you was the answer to my pain. I thought making you feel the burn that I felt you caused me was going to heal me. I quickly learned that hurting you only made me bitter, not better. I quickly learned that causing you even more grief made me feel like the loser, not the winner.

And more than anything, I learned, from you, that not everything in this life is cookie-cutter perfect. I learned, from you, that not everything goes according to plan. Because of you, I learned that there is no perfect definition of love. You opened my eyes to a whole new world.

The day I met you, my gut told me no. I dove in anyway. I’m a firm believer in following my gut, but despite that, I always followed my heart with you. My heart is the eternal optimist, always half-full. It’s my compass. I thought of trading it in for a more logic-based approach to love for the sake of not landing in another ocean of sorrow.

But, it turns out, I needed to land in that ocean. I needed to almost drown to learn all I did from you. You let me sink and it was one of the best things you could’ve done for me. Your inability to love me back saved me.

You, my friend, taught me to keep my compass as is. You taught me that this heart of mine is worth something. You taught me that this tumultuous, impetuous yet loving heart of mine can lead me in the most beautifully broken way.

So, because of you, I learned the true meaning of love.

While everything in my gut was telling me no on that life-changing day, your spirit was screaming yes to me. Though the course our relationship took shattered my world with pain and sorrow, I will remember you for doing so much more. The magic that you sprinkled upon my everyday life outweighs the hurt.

I understand that sometimes, people who have been hurt, inflict that same pain on others. With you, though, I knew it was never intentional. I knew you were trying to find your way in this new world of yours. You were fighting your own inner battles. And now, I can say that perhaps, you needed me more than I you.

You taught me that sometimes we can’t love people on our own terms. Sometimes, we have to love people the way they need to be loved.

Love comes in many forms. Love doesn’t constitute everything romantic and loyal under an undying lover’s umbrella. Love doesn’t get limited to the world of Cinderella. Love is real. It hurts. And love can serve you a platter of everything you didn’t order. But, if you’re truly immersed in the depths of love and all its ugly layers, you don’t regret, instead, you live. At least I did.

You taught me that varying degrees of love live in this broken world:

When you’re broken and need to be built-up, that’s love.
When you’re lost and someone guides you, that’s love.
When you show up for that person at any hour and for any reason, that’s love.
When you’re hopeless and give hope, that’s love.
When you stray but always find your way back to that person, that’s love.
When you put the smile on his or her face that wasn’t there an hour ago, that’s love.
When you flood pages with photos of memories made, somewhere in all of those captured moments is a love that lives.

It may not be a perfect love, a traditional love, or even a reciprocated love. But nonetheless, is it a love.

Love is not limited to forever.
Love does not cancel out when it’s not reciprocated.
Love does not fail to be given when the other still loves another. Despite this, that true love does not end when new love begins.
Love takes no form; it is all things possible and necessary to walk this arduous life.
Love saves us when it can’t save us.
Love is the answer to the very pain it causes.
Love can hit us like the fastest wind during fragile moments of our life.
Love can stop in to say hello to prepare us for what is to come.
Love can simply be something so undefined that we can throw out every idea, notion, and definition of what we think it is.

Had I not allowed myself to dive in on the day we met, I would have lost.

I wouldn’t have lost out on “real love.” It goes so much deeper than that. I would have lost out on the meaning of life. I would have lost out on the relationship we built. Some of the best parts of my soul were born because you showed me love in a way I never knew possible.

Thank you for showing me that we sometimes don’t need to play it safe. Thank you for showing me that we sometimes don’t need to follow the norm. Thank you for showing me that we can walk through the rain without our umbrella, get completely drenched, and still find a way to smile through the downpour.

Love, Felicia