In my quest to be the best version of myself, I have fallen woefully short more times than not, especially as it relates to my dating life and relationships.
I have knowingly been selfish and hurt a lot of women along the way. I’ve not been overtly malicious but I’ve also known better and have no manner of excuse to ever condone my behavior.
The “boys will be boys” creed was not something I read about as much as it was something I lived by way of rationalizing arrogance and a self-serving attitude as it pertained to dating and so-called love relationships.
I use “so-called” because, looking back, I often feigned love in order to seduce women. The story to keep my conscience clean was predicated on anything more than a casual date had to have an element of “connection” that I felt in order for any budding relationship to ensue. Until 4 years ago, I had been single more years than I had been in relationships, and truth be told, actually somewhat proud of that fact.
I was labeled a “player” and was the self-proclaimed chairman of the “Boys Will Be Boys Club” that created envy of many of my male friends. I was seen by women as charming, aloof, and with just enough of a seductive ‘bad boy’ element to get them intrigued and tempted into believing they could get me to mend my ways, settle down, and become the perfect boyfriend. They were wrong.
I claimed my independence was more important than being in a relationship and know unequivocally that my image and story was highly staged and polished.
Typically it never took more than a few dates when a woman would inquire about my relationship “intentions” and where I saw us going. My canned response was more times than not, “I really like you and enjoy our time together. But… my career is very important to me right now so can we just get to know each other better and see where the road leads us?”
This would typically buy me considerably more time to leverage my seductive mannerisms and place the “relationship conversation” on the back burner.
Dana Lam
One of my favorite sayings is, “In life, you either get results or give reasons and stories why you’re not.” As it relates to relationships, I’m guilty of telling women that I wanted to be in a relationship only to then give a litany of reasons and stories as to why I couldn’t.
The real truth is that I was scared of relationships and my false perception of relinquishing my freedom and independence. My fear was being “found out” that I simply didn’t have the confidence or tools of showing up as a man and not a boy.
In reality, we “make time” for the people and things that are most important to us. No ifs, ands, buts, or elaborate stories to justify anything less than this. I also learned at a young age that if I was doing something that I could not share with my mother, I probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place!
The “Boys Will Be Boys Overhaul” is not only long overdue for me, but for men everywhere who still believe it’s ok to “act out” especially when they are in a committed relationship.
This was vividly shown to me when I recently overheard a conversation taking place by three married men. They were a few continents away from home on a business trip and discussing the previous night’s antics while out and about on the town. It was apparent they had been out drinking and “womanizing” that led to some tawdry late-night behavior. They were boasting in the fashion of ‘boys will be boys’ when away from home and I knew instinctively these details of the trip would surely not be shared with their wives upon returning home. In the “Boys Will Be Boys Code,” these secrets would only be shared amongst themselves and other select members of the Club.
Overhearing this conversation reminded me of the saying, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” It’s a familiar refrain often joked about by men and women that’s been utilized more times by men in absolving themselves from sexual trysts not only in Las Vegas, but around the world.
This is one of the main reasons that “The Boys Will Be Boys Overhaul” is long overdue. Most men grow out of the “Boys Will Be Boys Club” and carry on healthy, productive relationships that are rooted in ART (authenticity, respect, and trust).
Sadly, other men simply continue behavior less than honorable, perpetuate dishonesty, and keep the Club alive and well. They simply lack the maturity and often the courage or desire to change their attitudes and actions.
For me, the defining shift took place 4 years ago when I met the love of my life Dana. She’s not only my business partner but my best friend, trusted confidant, and most importantly, my life partner.
She encourages me to embrace and exude my boyish playful self while continually inspiring me as a man in being the best version of myself. She demonstrates ART and expects nothing less from me in our relationship.
Most importantly, Dana’s been instrumental in teaching me the value and importance of boundaries, especially with the opposite sex. Her wisdom provided an opportunity for me to reframe the past by creating a healthy relationship moving forward.
It was her commitment to me and our relationship that was the turning point for me in recognizing the Club not only needed an overhaul but should be closed down for good.
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