I often wonder how anyone could love me.
This broken mess of a woman, who most days can’t even love herself.
I’m quick to anger.
I’m defensive of my own bad behavior.
I worry constantly, about everything.
I see the worst in every situation.
I’m cynical. The glass is always half empty, and fairy tales are only for Disney movies.
I don’t understand what my husband sees when he looks at me these days.
I get the initial attraction all those years ago. The young girl with the fresh face, the tan and toned body that slid into size 2s with ease. She was fun, she was spunky, she was always up for an adventure.
That girl is long gone. Now her face is marred with laugh lines and crows feet, and permanent dark circles from the lack of sleep that comes with being the mother of two small children.
She lathers her body in sunscreen and protective layers now at the beach for fear of skin cancer.
She worries too much, about everything, all the time.
She lost her spunk, she lost the fun side of her. She prefers to stay safe and rooted these days.
She looks in the mirror and doesn’t even recognize the reflection staring back at her. A life lived…but is she doing it well? I just don’t see it anymore.
I don’t get how a man can watch his wife transform into a shell of the person she once was, and still somehow see beauty.
I don’t understand how a man can be so unfazed by the turn of events in the last 10 years, and yearn for a woman who has seen so many seasons of change.
And yet, this man does.
Four Norths in the South
He loves me just as I am right now. In the throes of the most difficult years of my life, he’s still here, with a loving touch, with a needed compliment. He’s still here with a good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight kiss.
He’s still here with a reassuring hug and a knowing smile.
He’s still here with that twinkle in his eye everytime he stares at me from across the room.
He’s still here. In every way. In every sense of the word.
He’s still here, and he’s pledged to never go anywhere. To never leave me. To never let go of this bond we share.
I don’t know what it is he sees, but I’m so glad he still does.
He’s still here.
This story originally appeared on Four Norths in the South